Codependents cooperate, participate and support others’ dependency because they themselves are other dependents
Attachments anchor us to a rigid and limited word and prevent us from evolving and advancing on a path free of shadows and fears. Make the decision to release old attachments to welcome new perspectives and actions filled with freedom.
Codependents cooperate, participate and support others’ dependency because they themselves are other dependents.
The term co-dependence started showing up in support groups where people, whose lives became unmanageable as a result of a committed relationship with an alcoholic, began to meet to support each other.
Even though this term is vastly used with addiction-related matters (gambling, drugs, alcohol, etc.), it’s important to recognize that the patterns of co-dependence are much more common than what we think within our society.
Codependents allow others’ behaviors to affect them, and in doing so, end up wanting to control. Others can be a child, an adult, a partner, a parent, a friend, a sibling, etc.
This article invites you to evaluate yourself and observe if your present is led by the information that traps you inside patterns of dependency, even if there are no symptoms or experiences related to “addictions” around you.
Patterns of Co-dependence
Some of the repeated patterns in co-dependence:
- Feeling responsible for the mental state of others.
- Feeling trapped in a relationship
- Feeling that it is impossible to “live without the other person”
- Feeling guilty, anxious to be away from somebody.
- Worrying sick for others.
- Feeling the need to “save or rescue”, “cover” or “stop” others’ mistakes.
- Endure mistreatment or abuse because “one loves”.
- Nurture on the inside the hope that others are going to change thanks to their “advice and support”, while facts show that everything is still the same or worst.
- Experiencing anger when unsolicited “help”, “advice” or “guide”, is most of the time ineffective.
- Anticipating others’ needs.
- Answering “yes” right away when in reality they want to say “no”.
- Feeling the need to please others above their own needs.
- Having a tendency to deny the dysfunctional family patterns.
- Having a tendency of being busy to avoid thinking.
- Trying to help with methods that bring no solutions.
- Influencing, controlling or manipulating others’ decisions to feel good.
- Experiencing the fear of hurting others’ feeling because, in reality, it is a way to hurt oneself.
- Being easily hurt or susceptible.
- Effects generated:
- Limiting relationships.
- Exclusive relationships.
- Attachment.
- Feelings: rage, guilt, victimization, impatience, control, worry, feelings of being used or abused, jealousy.
- Protection and empowering of fears and insecurities.
- Physical weakness, prone to health issues.
- Limiting one’s potential and the parties’ involved.
- Needing to run away and not dealing with the demands of change.
- Confrontations.
- Judgment and criticism aimed at oneself and to those that do not think or act in the same way.
- Dysfunctional communication.
- Causes that originate co-dependence:
- Wrong interpretation of Love.
- Low self-esteem.
- Insecurity.
- Fears.
- Carbon copy of automatic family models that are passed down from generations and are based on fear.
From codependence to Freedom
There’s a way to get closer to understand freedom. The patterns of co-dependency are part of this road because the results of decisions we take based on beliefs nurtured within, give us permanent feedback on the information leading our lives.
As tragic or dramatic as the process may seem to the ego, the universe, with its perfect pedagogy, allows each step, each mistake, and each resulting consequence, because it is the understanding of the whole process that gives access to true freedom and the evolution of all involved.
Denial
In the beginning, the ego “believes” everything is and must be as it is, in spite of results without harmony and emotional charges experienced. There is resistance against so-called reprimands that come from people who can see clearly and a deep tendency to protect unhealthy patterns of behaviors and the people involved.
Crisis
Everlasting crisis, difficulties, and frictions are experienced as a consequence of decisions made; however, the ego is determined to use the same formula even though it keeps getting the same results.
Saturation
After experiencing multiple crises comes a situation that causes saturation. This is when one of the egos involved in the relationship of co-dependency lowers its guard.
After trying all available options with no positive result, the vital energy is depleted and a door of light opens. This means that the person involved is finally ready to understand the chains of cause and effect generated by decisions made.
The law of evolution allows us to go through situations of crisis so that we may break crystallized concepts that limit us and make us stay in rigid structures. The confrontation lived by the ego in the face of great crisis, leads it to try new options and to activate the person’s potential for understanding and freedom.
Changes in patterns of relations
When the ego surrenders, a light appears, however, the new formula to establish healthy relationships is not understood until it becomes a new habit.
This implies a change in the dynamic of the relationship and therefore in most cases, the momentary or even definitive detachment from the relationship.
It is precisely this step that the ego fears most despite all the signs of life and messages in moments of consciousness inviting it to make changes. The ego has not learned to fill its own empty spaces and created chains difficult to break.
This stage of the process usually requires external support for feedback and empowering because once the person has recovered its vital energy, the ego tends to use once again familiar information and behavioral patterns, even if it has verified that they do not work.
Freedom
When we begin to understand the real meaning of Love, and we align ourselves with how universal energy flows, our experience of life transforms and with this comes the experience of freedom.
The codependent person wants to be the “nice person”. The one that put their own needs below those of others, or the one that wants to feel “needed” not having learned to nurture or love him or herself.
That person has not learned to find his/her own values and seeks to fill his/her empty spaces unconsciously through unhealthy relationships with others, relationships that can be destructive.
A codependent person can be surrounded by thousands of people, yet on the inside, they feel empty or experience an everlasting fear of being alone. In other cases, they can live in loneliness in spite of the fear they have for it. They fight against it and at the same time they protect themselves from it.
Freedom is experienced when:
- Loneliness is enjoyed as well as a company.
- Empowering bonds are established.
- Forces are joined to create, discover, explore, enable, grow.
- Results of own mistakes are assumed, and others are allowed to commit mistakes and take responsibility in transcending them.
- It is understood that both good and bad are concepts of the go, and the conscience and Love are above these opposite poles.
- One learns to go through emotions and feelings experienced as a result of beliefs while the force that activates will is present, so as not to lead life from these draining energies.
- One is flexible enough to adapt to others’ beliefs and ways of living, while firm enough to not let their decisions affected by others’ feelings and decisions.
- A shared well-being is sought as opposed to an individual one.
- There is coherence between what is thought, said and done.
- Others’ free will is allowed. This implies not interfering in the evolutionary process of others.
- The profound value of respect is understood.
- One has learned to love him or herself, value and love everything that exists even if the ego does not understand.
- A bigger understanding is translated into less limiting fears and more freedom. Freedom of making decisions and taking responsibility for the results generated from them.
In a Love relationship…
- Each one knows who’s responsible for their feelings, thoughts, actions, and results obtained in life…
- Each one is responsible for his/her happiness and feels happy because the other is happy, even if this implies not sharing the same space or ideals…
- Each one becomes a companion to grow with, evolves and is supported permanently by the energy of Respect…
- Wisdom and understanding are developed…
In co-dependency…
- One believes they are responsible for the other’s thoughts, feelings, actions, and life results.
- One assumes they are responsible for the other’s happiness and neither has learned to be happy by themselves…
- One becomes interference in the evolution of the other…
- The ego develops…
